Oct 9, 2011; Minneapolis, MN, USA; Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe (4) against the Arizona Cardinals at the Metrodome. The Vikings defeated the Cardinals 34-10. Mandatory Credit: Brace Hemmelgarn-USA TODAY Sports

Response to Onion Sports: Chris Kluwe writes satire about himself


The Onion, a news satire organization, posted an article on Tuesday poking fun at former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe and his editorial penmanship.

Kluwe, by the way, was released from the Vikings on Monday.

The outspoken Kluwe, well known for his sense of humor, responded to the Onion via Twitter and created his own satire from a series of tweets.

“Hey @OnionSports,” Kluwe tweeted. “You know I’m perfectly capable of writing biting satire about myself, right? All you have to do is ask :p”

“OK, @OnionSports. Here’s how it should have gone. Wall o’ text incoming. Also, naughty words. #braceyourselves”

We pieced it together for you:

A day after being cut by the Minnesota Vikings, former punter Chris Kluwe penned an impassioned online screed chastising the entire state of Minnesota for not caring a single whit about his histrionic outbursts on basically anything he felt would make him somewhat relevant in the modern news cycle.

“How dare you snot-felching turkeyshits ignore my desperate cries for attention,” Kluwe wrote, while smashing together multiple run on sentences about the plight of the not at all endangered American prairie dog. “I swear to raptor Jesus, if my name isn’t somewhere in the media or on the front page of Reddit in three fucking seconds, I’m going to light your mother’s nipple hairs on fire with her own explosive flatulence.”

Kluwe then went on another four page rant about the dangers of poorly maintained water heaters, using such ludicrous phrases like “Satan’s vomiting crotchsphincter,” and “turgid camel cocks,” interspersed with punting stats that not one single person gives a solitary fuck about, and frankly, wishes didn’t exist.

When asked for comment, multiple people who claimed they knew Chris Kluwe said, “Isn’t he that whiny dude with the stupid hair?” and, “What the fuck is a punter?” Kluwe’s mother reached out to the Onion and told them her son had died of dysentery twenty five years ago, and whoever claiming to be him now was undoubtedly “some turdgobbling famewhore.”

We’ll miss you, Kluwe.

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